Uff-dah. Day 8 of Metformin--the TypeII diabetes med used to treat insulin resistance and excess androgen in patients with PCOS. Most common side effects are gastrointestinal problems... Boy, they aren't kidding!
I emailed my CNM yesterday. I was dehydrated, not able to go to the bathroom (#1 or #2). She replied, "Those are unusual side effects, normally we see the opposite. Drink lots of water and eat fruits and veggies." Pretty typical advice for those symptoms. But, whooo! Just a couple hours later the morning dose of Metformin had time to make it's way through my system. The stomach cramps are intense!! When they happen I feel like my entire body is curling into itself. And less than an hour later, I'm leashed to the bathroom until the middle of the afternoon.
Everything I've read about the side effects say it gets better with time. Your body develops a tolerance to the drug and the gastro problems improve. Dear Lord, please let that be true! I will have to wait it out. In the meantime, I'm trying to find things that calm the nausea that seems to never break and boost my energy. Maybe I'll actually be able to leave the apartment today.
------
I started my cycle last night. So weird. I've never gotten my period in the evening. It's always a morning surprise. I also had menstrual cramps during the evening two days prior. But perhaps the most unusual factor of this cycle is that it started exactly 28 days after my last. First time in my life that has ever happened. Maybe it's a fluke, but it's also possible that my body is working itself out. I know it's not the drugs yet, I've only been on those for a week.
I'm trying to remind myself to not be surprised when things work. My husband and I have been praying for months about our ability to have a baby. I know God answers prayers, and I've seen Him perform miracles. So, why then am I surprised when prayers for my own benefit are answered. I've been praying for God's hand in this process longer than I've been receiving medical help, so honestly, I'm more inclined to believe that He's working on my behalf. I'm not saying that medicine won't work, or can't help, but maybe He just got the ball rolling and started prepping everything for me a little earlier. Whatever the outcome, I'm going to give Him credit. He makes all things work together for my good.
I'm feeling better about everything today. Probably just hormones, but yesterday was terrible. My improved mood is giving me more energy. So maybe if I can stay out of the bathroom for a few hours today I'll actually make it to the gym for a good sweat. I need it.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Well, it's been one week since I got my confirmed diagnosis of PCOS. It's been tough. My husband thinks I've been putting on a brave face for him and the world. But, the truth is, when I'm busy life feels normal. Despite the fact that I know I have a medical condition, laundry still needs to be done, we still need to eat, work still has to get done in the office, and I still have to spend my weekends at my part time job. When my mind is distracted I am fine. So, I'm not really faking it for anyone's benefit, I'm just busy.
The moments that really suck are the quiet ones. When I need a break from desk work to refocus, when we're in the car and have nothing to say, when I'm alone in the shower and my mind wanders. Dealing with the sadness over my diagnosis has been a fragmented process. I haven't been able to shut down, throw a tantrum and get my head back in order. It's been a series of little fits, separated by a necessity to deal with other obligations. I feel like I need just one whole day to wallow in it, mourn, then maybe I could start to collect myself.
My husband and I had an argument on Monday. We're trying to buy our first home and dealing with the stress of the home buying process while trying to handle the stress of the PCOS diagnosis has been difficult. He knows I'm overwhelmed, and so in a silent agreement, the bulk of the home buying load has been shifted to him. I think we both assumed that if he could handle the house stress, I would handle the infertility stress, and we'd meet up later down the road having carried our burdens equally. But, I've had to nag him about small deadlines in the home buying process and that is what sparked our argument.
The husband made a flippant comment during the disagreement. Something about my overly emotional state over the last several days. Had I not been on my way to my part-time job, I probably would have really wigged out. But, I was forced to keep my cool and change my attitude so I could happily serve people at work.
Last night however, swallowing it became to much. I know my husband has good intentions. His jovial attitude, constant chatter, and attempts to interpret me are only meant to bring me happiness. But I'm so overwhelmed, and I haven't had time to cope, so instead I find him annoying and unfeeling. Why is he so cheerful when I'm trying to deal with this?! I blitzed.
Through tears I explained, I don't want any extra responsibility right now. Even deciding what's for dinner has become an overwhelming burden. I've been more private lately, and I tried to explain that trying to face PCOS has left me feeling less feminine. I have to deal with the acne, the hair, the loss of hair, irregular periods, and infertility. I feel ashamed. I have no reason to, I've done nothing wrong. But feeling like less of a woman has made me want to hide.
I'm sure from his perspective I look absolutely crazy. One minute I'm fine, going about my day, making life work. But when my schedule clears up and I have some down time, I'm crying, sad or angry. I just hope that we'll both be able the weather the ups and downs. Life just doesn't allow us time to pause and deal with losses like this. We have to carry on even when we're sad. I'm really not putting on a brave face for anyone, I'm just trying not to neglect my responsibilities. But when I don't have to focus on work and responsibility my emotions show.
The moments that really suck are the quiet ones. When I need a break from desk work to refocus, when we're in the car and have nothing to say, when I'm alone in the shower and my mind wanders. Dealing with the sadness over my diagnosis has been a fragmented process. I haven't been able to shut down, throw a tantrum and get my head back in order. It's been a series of little fits, separated by a necessity to deal with other obligations. I feel like I need just one whole day to wallow in it, mourn, then maybe I could start to collect myself.
My husband and I had an argument on Monday. We're trying to buy our first home and dealing with the stress of the home buying process while trying to handle the stress of the PCOS diagnosis has been difficult. He knows I'm overwhelmed, and so in a silent agreement, the bulk of the home buying load has been shifted to him. I think we both assumed that if he could handle the house stress, I would handle the infertility stress, and we'd meet up later down the road having carried our burdens equally. But, I've had to nag him about small deadlines in the home buying process and that is what sparked our argument.
The husband made a flippant comment during the disagreement. Something about my overly emotional state over the last several days. Had I not been on my way to my part-time job, I probably would have really wigged out. But, I was forced to keep my cool and change my attitude so I could happily serve people at work.
Last night however, swallowing it became to much. I know my husband has good intentions. His jovial attitude, constant chatter, and attempts to interpret me are only meant to bring me happiness. But I'm so overwhelmed, and I haven't had time to cope, so instead I find him annoying and unfeeling. Why is he so cheerful when I'm trying to deal with this?! I blitzed.
Through tears I explained, I don't want any extra responsibility right now. Even deciding what's for dinner has become an overwhelming burden. I've been more private lately, and I tried to explain that trying to face PCOS has left me feeling less feminine. I have to deal with the acne, the hair, the loss of hair, irregular periods, and infertility. I feel ashamed. I have no reason to, I've done nothing wrong. But feeling like less of a woman has made me want to hide.
I'm sure from his perspective I look absolutely crazy. One minute I'm fine, going about my day, making life work. But when my schedule clears up and I have some down time, I'm crying, sad or angry. I just hope that we'll both be able the weather the ups and downs. Life just doesn't allow us time to pause and deal with losses like this. We have to carry on even when we're sad. I'm really not putting on a brave face for anyone, I'm just trying not to neglect my responsibilities. But when I don't have to focus on work and responsibility my emotions show.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Here's the Story
Let me start by saying I'm going to be blunt. This blog is about my struggle to have a baby. So, I'm going to talk about my period, my ovaries, my boobs, and heck, maybe even my vagina. So stop now if you can't handle it.
I've always known I wanted to have a family. I have three siblings, lots of nieces and nephews, and I love babies. When my husband and I started dating nearly 5 years ago, whether or not we would eventually start a family was never up for discussion. We both love kids. Even better, kids like us.
Originally our plan was to start having children a year after we were married. Well, I should clarify and say that was my plan. Though he never told me at the time, my husband thought differently about it. Who can blame him really? He's two years younger than I am. What guy wants to get married and start having children at 23? Long story short, life happened and we found ourselves in Fargo, ND just a few months after marriage. A couple of months later, my hubs was back in school and we were living on one salary. By the time our one year anniversary rolled around, we though having kids would be irresponsible.
The revised goal was to have kids in two years, after the hubby got done with school. But as his graduation date was pushed back, once and then twice, we realized it was OK for us to stop waiting. You see, somewhere in that two year time frame we got really good at living with less money. We learned the value of each others company, and the depth of our affection for each other. We got through the bumpy growing pains that come when you live with someone for the first time, learn to share every detail of your life, and have to adjust to major life changes. We went through the rough stuff together and it made us stronger.
I thought the hard part of the last couple years was waiting to start our family. In many ways it was agonizing. But, now I think it might have just been preparation for what we must endure now.
In September 2012, I finally got to remove my IUD. I was literally counting the days until it was removed. My CNM (certified nurse-midwife) cautioned me that we should wait until after my first cycle to try to conceive, but we were anxious and optimistic that everything would be okay, so we didn't worry about being too careful. Four weeks later, I was still waiting for my first cycle and hopefully I would be pregnant, but ultimately disappointed when my period came.
So, I started counting cycle days. This was totally foreign to me. It was my first period in nearly 4 years--IUDs are great in that way. But, I'd also never had a regular period before, so the idea that it was supposed to come on like clockwork was a little strange. 45+ days into the wait, I had a second cycle. I knew something was goofy, but the medical world won't let you self diagnose that quickly. Most women have to wait 6 months before their reproductive problems are addressed. Luckily, I only had to wait 4 months.
By the time most women would have had four cycles, I had only had two, gearing up for a third. My CNM told me to come in for blood work and then confirmed my fears. I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). I finally have an explanation for the years of dealing with weight problems, hair growth, acne, and irregular periods. But now I have to face the reality that, right now, I can't conceive. Right now, my body doesn't even know how to mature an egg, much less grow a baby.
Yesterday was my first infertility appointment. After the initial lab work was done early in the month, my CNM diagnosed me via email. Sounds a little rough, but it was really just confirmation of what I already knew. Plus, it's easier to get bad news sitting at home where you can bawl and scream all you want. So, yesterday, I was formally diagnosed and the condition was added to my medical history.
I also got to discuss my treatment options. Thankfully, CNMs are notorious for taking more natural approaches to reproductive problems. I do not want to be hopped up on hormones. I know from a couple years of taking the pill that I am CRAZY on hormones. So, the first method of treatment will be a type II diabetes medication, Metformin. It's strange that a diabetes med is used to treat a reproductive disorder, but it all goes to the cause of the condition: insulin resistance > excess androgen > outta whack hormones > PCOS. With God's help, Metformin will treat the insulin resistance and start to correct the problem from the beginning, rather than just covering the symptoms. Everything should get a little better on the drug. I might stop losing the hair on my head, I might stop growing the hair on my chin, my acne may clear up, and I may even lose a few more pounds.
The next course of action is to bring my body back around to neutral. A months course of low dose birth control is the first step in the hormone aligning process. Next, extra progesterone to help my body mature eggs. If that works, luteinizing hormone shots will force my body to release an egg and extra estrogen will thicken the lining for implantation.
And after all of that, my husband and I will still only have a 1 in 5 chance of conceiving.
So the purpose of this blog is to give an outlet to the stress and frustration that I'm going to encounter along the way. Some days I feel devastated and some days I feel fine. But getting it off my chest helps.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
January 24, 2013
Thursday
I took Metformin for the first time after supper last night. The infertility coordinator, Linette told me I should cut back on carbs and cut out sweets. It's weird that even though I'm not taking this medicine for Type II, I still have to eat like I'm Type II. I had pancakes for supper. :) Yah, yah. I realize pancakes are carbs. But I had sugar free syrup. Plus, yesterday was our 3 year anniversary. We didn't go out to eat so, I let myself have pancakes.
Why didn't we go out to eat? Well, right about the time that I started the whole PCOS diagnosis process we also decided to start looking for a house. We found one. Lost it to another bidder. Then got a second chance at the house when the other buyers backed out. Now, we're under contract on the fixer-upper. Despite the work the house needs, we love it. So, all the mess that comes with buying a house that needs work is upon us. Plus, it's a foreclosed home. Bank owned. They could care less if it needs work, they just want their money. Though we've had savings for some time now, we hadn't anticipated finding a home so quickly. We're in a crunch to cover a down payment and additional money for a roof to throw into our escrow account. No going out to eat, even if it is our anniversary. So I ate pancakes.
Excess carbs and sugars while on Metformin can make you nauseous. I felt fine last night. Maybe a little queazy in the car, but nothing a few deep breathes couldn't fix. This morning was strange, however. I took a hot bath to calm down, relax, chill. Normally, I can soak in a HOT tub for an hour. But 10 minutes into my bath, I felt my stomach sloshing. I got out as quickly as I could soap myself down and rinse off. I was gulping air by the time I toweled off. It passed when I had cooled off, drank some water, and had a refreshing orange.
One pill of Metformin with my evening meal for a week. After the first week, I'm supposed to start taking two pills a day. After breakfast and supper. I know it will take time to adjust, but in the meantime, I need to be pickier about what I eat. No, I shouldn't have popcorn and chocolate before bed. But then why is it so good?
I am especially thankful that I have already overcome my battle with obesity. It seems miraculous to me now that I managed to lose 90lbs on my own considering that I've probably had PCOS working against me the whole time. No wonder it was so hard some months. I would eat meticulously and not lose anything. Sometimes even gain! But I still did it! I lost 90lbs! I did one of the very best things I could do for my condition. I might even lose a couple more on the Type II drug, though I'm honestly satisfied with what I've lost already. Plus, now I know that I can handle restricting myself. It won't be easy to get out of the habit of having something sweet every night before bed. But I know it's possible. I've done it before.
------
I had a nice conversation with my sister via text message. She was checking in on me. She was hesitant to tell me that she'd gone to the doc after I shared my diagnosis. She doesn't have PCOS--PRAISE GOD! But she was worried about telling me. She hurts for me and the struggle I'm in. But I assured her that as her big sister, I am always happy when she is well and that I want good things for her. She is at higher risk for PCOS since I have it... So thank God that she does not!
------
I just keep praying, "You make all things work together for my good." Even if I do think it's strange that a former member of DC Talk is the new lead singer for the Newsboys, the song is a comfort. :) I will go through this experience--and it might be hell some days--but at the end of it, if God gets the glory for a miracle in my life, so be it.
I've always known I wanted to have a family. I have three siblings, lots of nieces and nephews, and I love babies. When my husband and I started dating nearly 5 years ago, whether or not we would eventually start a family was never up for discussion. We both love kids. Even better, kids like us.
Originally our plan was to start having children a year after we were married. Well, I should clarify and say that was my plan. Though he never told me at the time, my husband thought differently about it. Who can blame him really? He's two years younger than I am. What guy wants to get married and start having children at 23? Long story short, life happened and we found ourselves in Fargo, ND just a few months after marriage. A couple of months later, my hubs was back in school and we were living on one salary. By the time our one year anniversary rolled around, we though having kids would be irresponsible.
The revised goal was to have kids in two years, after the hubby got done with school. But as his graduation date was pushed back, once and then twice, we realized it was OK for us to stop waiting. You see, somewhere in that two year time frame we got really good at living with less money. We learned the value of each others company, and the depth of our affection for each other. We got through the bumpy growing pains that come when you live with someone for the first time, learn to share every detail of your life, and have to adjust to major life changes. We went through the rough stuff together and it made us stronger.
I thought the hard part of the last couple years was waiting to start our family. In many ways it was agonizing. But, now I think it might have just been preparation for what we must endure now.
In September 2012, I finally got to remove my IUD. I was literally counting the days until it was removed. My CNM (certified nurse-midwife) cautioned me that we should wait until after my first cycle to try to conceive, but we were anxious and optimistic that everything would be okay, so we didn't worry about being too careful. Four weeks later, I was still waiting for my first cycle and hopefully I would be pregnant, but ultimately disappointed when my period came.
So, I started counting cycle days. This was totally foreign to me. It was my first period in nearly 4 years--IUDs are great in that way. But, I'd also never had a regular period before, so the idea that it was supposed to come on like clockwork was a little strange. 45+ days into the wait, I had a second cycle. I knew something was goofy, but the medical world won't let you self diagnose that quickly. Most women have to wait 6 months before their reproductive problems are addressed. Luckily, I only had to wait 4 months.
By the time most women would have had four cycles, I had only had two, gearing up for a third. My CNM told me to come in for blood work and then confirmed my fears. I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). I finally have an explanation for the years of dealing with weight problems, hair growth, acne, and irregular periods. But now I have to face the reality that, right now, I can't conceive. Right now, my body doesn't even know how to mature an egg, much less grow a baby.
Yesterday was my first infertility appointment. After the initial lab work was done early in the month, my CNM diagnosed me via email. Sounds a little rough, but it was really just confirmation of what I already knew. Plus, it's easier to get bad news sitting at home where you can bawl and scream all you want. So, yesterday, I was formally diagnosed and the condition was added to my medical history.
I also got to discuss my treatment options. Thankfully, CNMs are notorious for taking more natural approaches to reproductive problems. I do not want to be hopped up on hormones. I know from a couple years of taking the pill that I am CRAZY on hormones. So, the first method of treatment will be a type II diabetes medication, Metformin. It's strange that a diabetes med is used to treat a reproductive disorder, but it all goes to the cause of the condition: insulin resistance > excess androgen > outta whack hormones > PCOS. With God's help, Metformin will treat the insulin resistance and start to correct the problem from the beginning, rather than just covering the symptoms. Everything should get a little better on the drug. I might stop losing the hair on my head, I might stop growing the hair on my chin, my acne may clear up, and I may even lose a few more pounds.
The next course of action is to bring my body back around to neutral. A months course of low dose birth control is the first step in the hormone aligning process. Next, extra progesterone to help my body mature eggs. If that works, luteinizing hormone shots will force my body to release an egg and extra estrogen will thicken the lining for implantation.
And after all of that, my husband and I will still only have a 1 in 5 chance of conceiving.
So the purpose of this blog is to give an outlet to the stress and frustration that I'm going to encounter along the way. Some days I feel devastated and some days I feel fine. But getting it off my chest helps.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
January 24, 2013
Thursday
I took Metformin for the first time after supper last night. The infertility coordinator, Linette told me I should cut back on carbs and cut out sweets. It's weird that even though I'm not taking this medicine for Type II, I still have to eat like I'm Type II. I had pancakes for supper. :) Yah, yah. I realize pancakes are carbs. But I had sugar free syrup. Plus, yesterday was our 3 year anniversary. We didn't go out to eat so, I let myself have pancakes.
Why didn't we go out to eat? Well, right about the time that I started the whole PCOS diagnosis process we also decided to start looking for a house. We found one. Lost it to another bidder. Then got a second chance at the house when the other buyers backed out. Now, we're under contract on the fixer-upper. Despite the work the house needs, we love it. So, all the mess that comes with buying a house that needs work is upon us. Plus, it's a foreclosed home. Bank owned. They could care less if it needs work, they just want their money. Though we've had savings for some time now, we hadn't anticipated finding a home so quickly. We're in a crunch to cover a down payment and additional money for a roof to throw into our escrow account. No going out to eat, even if it is our anniversary. So I ate pancakes.
Excess carbs and sugars while on Metformin can make you nauseous. I felt fine last night. Maybe a little queazy in the car, but nothing a few deep breathes couldn't fix. This morning was strange, however. I took a hot bath to calm down, relax, chill. Normally, I can soak in a HOT tub for an hour. But 10 minutes into my bath, I felt my stomach sloshing. I got out as quickly as I could soap myself down and rinse off. I was gulping air by the time I toweled off. It passed when I had cooled off, drank some water, and had a refreshing orange.
One pill of Metformin with my evening meal for a week. After the first week, I'm supposed to start taking two pills a day. After breakfast and supper. I know it will take time to adjust, but in the meantime, I need to be pickier about what I eat. No, I shouldn't have popcorn and chocolate before bed. But then why is it so good?
I am especially thankful that I have already overcome my battle with obesity. It seems miraculous to me now that I managed to lose 90lbs on my own considering that I've probably had PCOS working against me the whole time. No wonder it was so hard some months. I would eat meticulously and not lose anything. Sometimes even gain! But I still did it! I lost 90lbs! I did one of the very best things I could do for my condition. I might even lose a couple more on the Type II drug, though I'm honestly satisfied with what I've lost already. Plus, now I know that I can handle restricting myself. It won't be easy to get out of the habit of having something sweet every night before bed. But I know it's possible. I've done it before.
------
I had a nice conversation with my sister via text message. She was checking in on me. She was hesitant to tell me that she'd gone to the doc after I shared my diagnosis. She doesn't have PCOS--PRAISE GOD! But she was worried about telling me. She hurts for me and the struggle I'm in. But I assured her that as her big sister, I am always happy when she is well and that I want good things for her. She is at higher risk for PCOS since I have it... So thank God that she does not!
------
I just keep praying, "You make all things work together for my good." Even if I do think it's strange that a former member of DC Talk is the new lead singer for the Newsboys, the song is a comfort. :) I will go through this experience--and it might be hell some days--but at the end of it, if God gets the glory for a miracle in my life, so be it.
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