Well, it's been one week since I got my confirmed diagnosis of PCOS. It's been tough. My husband thinks I've been putting on a brave face for him and the world. But, the truth is, when I'm busy life feels normal. Despite the fact that I know I have a medical condition, laundry still needs to be done, we still need to eat, work still has to get done in the office, and I still have to spend my weekends at my part time job. When my mind is distracted I am fine. So, I'm not really faking it for anyone's benefit, I'm just busy.

The moments that really suck are the quiet ones. When I need a break from desk work to refocus, when we're in the car and have nothing to say, when I'm alone in the shower and my mind wanders. Dealing with the sadness over my diagnosis has been a fragmented process. I haven't been able to shut down, throw a tantrum and get my head back in order. It's been a series of little fits, separated by a necessity to deal with other obligations. I feel like I need just one whole day to wallow in it, mourn, then maybe I could start to collect myself.

My husband and I had an argument on Monday. We're trying to buy our first home and dealing with the stress of the home buying process while trying to handle the stress of the PCOS diagnosis has been difficult. He knows I'm overwhelmed, and so in a silent agreement, the bulk of the home buying load has been shifted to him. I think we both assumed that if he could handle the house stress, I would handle the infertility stress, and we'd meet up later down the road having carried our burdens equally. But, I've had to nag him about small deadlines in the home buying process and that is what sparked our argument.

The husband made a flippant comment during the disagreement. Something about my overly emotional state over the last several days. Had I not been on my way to my part-time job, I probably would have really wigged out.  But, I was forced to keep my cool and change my attitude so I could happily serve people at work.

Last night however, swallowing it became to much. I know my husband has good intentions. His jovial attitude, constant chatter, and attempts to interpret me are only meant to bring me happiness. But I'm so overwhelmed, and I haven't had time to cope, so instead I find him annoying and unfeeling. Why is he so cheerful when I'm trying to deal with this?! I blitzed.

Through tears I explained, I don't want any extra responsibility right now. Even deciding what's for dinner has become an overwhelming burden. I've been more private lately, and I tried to explain that trying to face PCOS has left me feeling less feminine. I have to deal with the acne, the hair, the loss of hair, irregular periods, and infertility. I feel ashamed. I have no reason to, I've done nothing wrong. But feeling like less of a woman has made me want to hide.

I'm sure from his perspective I look absolutely crazy. One minute I'm fine, going about my day, making life work. But when my schedule clears up and I have some down time, I'm crying, sad or angry. I just hope that we'll both be able the weather the ups and downs. Life just doesn't allow us time to pause and deal with losses like this. We have to carry on even when we're sad. I'm really not putting on a brave face for anyone, I'm just trying not to neglect my responsibilities. But when I don't have to focus on work and responsibility my emotions show.